SNL Season 42: Margot Robbie - Donald Trump vs.Hillary Clinton Debate Cold Open

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Lester Holt ..... Michael Che

Hillary Clinton ..... Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump ..... Alec Baldwin

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Lester Holt: Good evening from Hofstra University, I'm Lester Holt. [Applause and cheers] And welcome to the first presidential debate. A quick reminder for our audience, there is no cheering, no clapping, and to the Trump supporters, no shirt, no shoes, no service. [laughter] Now let's bring out the candidates. First, she's been battling pneumonia and we hope she's feeling better tonight, it's secretary Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton: [came out coughing and with cane] [left cane and do a front roll] I'm better than ever. Let's do this!

Lester Holt: And finally, he's the man to blame of all his kids' faces, it's Republican nominee, Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: [applause and cheers] Good evening, America. I am going to be so good tonight. I am going to be so calm and so presidential that all of you watching are going to cream your jeans.

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, let's begin with you. Why are you a better choice than your opponent to create job and put money into the pocket of workers?

Hillary Clinton: Well, Lester, my opponent's tax plan benefits the top one percent so much, it's not just trickled down economics, it's... I guess if I can called it something off the top of the old dome with no prep whatsoever, I don't know, I guess I call it "Trumped-Up Trickle-Down Economists".

Lester Holt: That's very catchy, secretary. You-you just came up with that just now?

Hillary Clinton: I did. Right off the stiff red cuff!

Donald Trump: Hey, jazz man. I got a very presidential answer for this. Our jobs are fleeing this country. They're going to Mexico, they're going to Gina. [laughter] I will stop that. If Hillary knew, how, she would have done it already. Period. End of story. I won the debate. I stay calm just like I promise and it is over. Good night, Huffton.[leaving the debate]

Lester Holt: Donald, Donald, there still 88 minutes left. It's a 90 minutes debate.

Donald Trump: My microphone is broken. She broke it, with Obama. She and Obama stole my microphone and took it to Kenya. They took my microphone to Kenya and they broke it and now it's broken. [sniffing] Do you hear that speaking up? Somebody's sniffing here. I think it's her sniffs. She's been sniffing all night. [lean towards microphone] Testing, testing. Gina, Gina. Huge-Gina.

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, what do you think about that?

Hillary Clinton: I think I'm going to be president.[applause and cheers] I mean, this mean is clearly unfit to be Commander In Chief.

Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: He is a bully.

Donald Trump: Shut up!

Hillary Clinton: He started the birth re-movement.

Donald Trump: You did.

Hillary Clinton: He said climate change is a hoax invented by China.

Donald Trump: It's pronounced, Gina.

Hillary Clinton: He hasn't release his tax returns which means he's either not that rich, -

Donald Trump: Wrong!

Hillary Clinton: - not that charitable, -

Donald Trump: Wrong!

Hillary Clinton: - or he's never paid taxes in life.

Donald Trump: Wronger! [laughter]

Lester Holt: Let's move on to National Security. Mr. Trump, you criticized Secretary Clinton for voting for the Iraq War but you, yourself supported the war.

Donald Trump: Wrong, wrong, wrong. You're being very mean to me tonight, Coltrane. Very mean. I was against the war, ask anyone in the world named Sean Hannity. I told Sean Hannity, call Sean Hannity.

Lester Holt: You told Sean Hannity on his show and there's proof?

Donald Trump: No. I told him in private it was just me and Sean, late at night, I lean over and I whispered in his ear, "Sean, I'm against the war in Iraq" and he whispered in my ear, "I'm against the war too" and the next thing, I knew, I was, kissing - Sean Hannity.

Lester Holt: [shaking his head] Moving right pass that, the Iraq war is all about judgement. Secretary Clinton, do you think you have better judgement than Mr. Trump?

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Yes, yes, yes. Uh, um, of course I do. Donald Trump has terrible judgement. He makes bad decision. He's spent his life cheating middle-class laborers. Laborers like my own, human father who made uh, I guess drapes or printed drapes or sold drapes or - and he was relatable and I am also relatable. [laughter]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump, same question. Why is your judgement better than Secretary Clinton?

Donald Trump: Because it is. I have the best judgement and the best temperament. She's the one with the bad temperament. She's always screaming, she constantly lying, her hair is crazy, her face is completely orange except around the eyes where it's white and when she stops talking, her mouth looks like a tiny little - butthole. [laughter]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, you have two minutes to respond.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, uh, that's okay. He can have mine too.

Lester Holt: Okay, Mr. Trump. Two more minutes.

Donald Trump: The thing about the blacks, is that they killing each otherrrrr. All the blacks live in one street in Chicago, all in one street! I just looked it up this morning, it's called, Hell Street. And they're on Hell Street and they're all just killing each other just like I am killing this debate.

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, do you have a response?

Hillary Clinton: [holding in joy] Um, not a uh, not a response, more of a favor, can America vote right now?

Lester Holt: Well, this has been an illuminating debate but now is time for our final -

Hillary Clinton: Alicia Machado!

Lester Holt: I'm sorry. What was that? Who's Alicia Machado?

Hillary Clinton: Thank you for bringing that up, Lester. She is a strong, beautiful, political prop that I almost forgot to mention tonight even thought we have already made a web video about her. Alicia Machado was Miss Universe in 1996, -

Donald Trump: Where did you find this?

Hillary Clinton: And Donald Trump call her Miss Piggy, -

Donald Trump: No. How did you know this?

Hillary Clinton: And Miss Housekeeping.

Donald Trump: That's pretty funny.

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump, what's your response?

Donald Trump: Lester, why are we talking about this woman? We should be talking about the important issue like Rosie O'Donnell and how she's a fat loser and everyone agrees with me and I just want to bring that up in a presidential debate right at the end, my own volition, good idea, I did it.

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, why are you crying?

Hillary Clinton: [crying] I---I'm sorry, Lester. It's---It's, this is going so well. It's going exactly how I always dreamed.

Lester Holt: Now, it's time to move on to our closing statements. Secretary Clinton, you're first.

Hillary Clinton: Listen, America. I get it. You hate me. You hate my voice and you hate my face. Well, here's a tip, if you never want to see my face again, elect me president, and I swear to god, I will lock myself in the oval office and never come out for four years. But if you don't elect me, I will continue running for president until the day I die, and I [laughter] will never die.

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump, final remarks.

Donald Trump: You know what, Lester? I was going to stay something extremely rough to Hillary tonight but I said to myself that I can't do it, I just can't do it. But if I said it, it would have been a nuclear bomb. Because in the '90s, our President was a man named Bill Clinton. Not many people know this, but that man, is her husband. And in 1998, get this, he had an affair. It's true. My investigators are looking into it right now. It was a woman - was a woman named, Monica. Very heavy. I don't have her last name yet but when I get it, I will set my alarm to 3:20 am and go sit on my golden toilet bowl and tweet about it until completion.

Lester Holt: Oh my god. Just - just to remind everyone at home, this was the presidential debate. And final words?

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

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