SNL Season 42 : Margot Robbie - Weekend Update

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..... Colin Jost
..... Michael Che
Cathy Anne ..... Cecily Strong
..... TheWeeknd
David Ortiz ..... Kenan Thompson

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Announcer: It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Colin Jost: Hey everybody!

Michael Che: Welcome to "Weekend Update". I'm Michael Che.

Colin Jost:  I'm Colin Jost. Well --- hey. Well, the first presidential debate is over and it's official, we still have to choose between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. It's like choosing a phone right now. There's really only two options. We don't want the iPhone 7 [shows picture of Hillary Clinton], cause it feels like it's kinda being force on us, also it is not necessarily an improvement. We also don't want the Samsung Galaxy [shows picture of Donald Trump], which could explode at any minute. 

Michael Che: You know, I don't even know what I expected to learn from this debate. It's like when you wake up hungry and there's nothing in your fridge but you check again twenty minutes later as if something good has magically appear. But no! Just tang and prunes.

Colin Jost: That's a weird phrase.

Michael Che: It ain't even feel like I was watching the debate. I felt like I was watching a divorce couple fight for custody of the kid that hates them both. It sounded like Brad and Angelina but Brad Pitt only wanted to keep the white kids. [groans from audience]

Colin Jost: Hey look, I gotta say, I did debate in high school, and it was way more sophisticated than whatever that was. I never got stumped in a high school debate and just blurted out, "Yeah? Well, Rosie O'Donell still a bitch!" And it has got to be the first presidential debate in history where afterwards, people were genuinely asking, "Were they on drugs?" [laughter]

Michael Che: You know, speaking of drugs, Donald Trump also criticized --- was also criticized for suggesting nationwide to stop and frisk.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Michael Che: And of course, Donald Trump is for it because Donald Trump would never stop and frisk. You know, they only stop and frisk people like me, okay? And that's --- that's why it's not fair. Granted, if you stop and frisk everybody that looks like me, you gonna find a lot of drugs. But, you stop and frisk everybody that looks like Colin, you gonna find better drugs! [cheers and applause] 

Colin Jost: Yeah. I had fun! The consensus after the debate was of course that Hillary won, but Donald Trump went online and found some weird internet poll [shows picture of poll], that said he won the debate. But now, I'm just worried he's gonna be distracted for the next debate, because he also found out there are a bunch of hot and horny singles in his area.

Michael Che: But as bad as Trump is doing, Hillary is only barely doing any better than him. So no matter who win, this is gonna be a rebuilding Season 4 for America and that's --- that's gonna be tough for us to handle because America's basically the New York Yankees of Countries right now. We're just so used to winning and dominating, but sometimes you lose your charismatic biracial leader and you've got to start all over again. [cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: And right now --- right now, Hillary needs to stop celebrating that she won the first debate. It's like she's in a wrestling ring, [show picture of Hillary Clinton in a wrestling ring] strutting around like the match is over and she doesn't notice that right behind her, Chris Christie is handing Trump a folding chair. [shows picture of Chris Christie handing Donald Trump a folding chair while Hillary Clinton is facing away from them both]. Hillary can't even gloat well. She just got over pneumonia, and this is actually how she came out on a campaign trail. [shows clip of Hillary Clinton with the song "I Feel Good"]. She came out to James Brown's "I Feel Good". I just want to point out, that James Brown died of pneumonia.[laughter]

Michael Che: [shaking his head] If she actually had black friends, she would have knew that. Well, with the presidential race so close, the election might come down to the undecided voter. So, here's one that's always yelling outside my apartment window, Cathy Anne!

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey, Michael Che! Okay now, drunk or not, I'm an undecided voter but I am also an uninspired voter. True, and you can have that one for free.

Michael Che: So you really don't know who you gonna vote for? 

Cathy Anne: You don't tell me I gotta pick between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton? I mean, no thank you! I'm keeping "Robama".

Michael Che: "Robama"? What --- who are you ---

Cathy Anne:  I'll tell you what the problem is. "Politrician" ---

Michael Che: "Tician" ---

Cathy Anne: --- are all narcissists, Michael Che. I cannot be a politician because I am not a narcissists. I have a very realistic view at myself and my problems. Kay --- Number one, here it is, here it is, folks. I'm two testing. I go from zero to sixty like that, okay, and I have a pretty bad history with drugs and alcohol. Yeah, ho yeah, ho yeah, you better believe I support the heck out of that.

Michael Che: Are you okay?

Cathy Anne: No! You know who I felt bad for? Donald Trump's beautiful wife, "Nelamia". Then the beautiful daughter, "Kivana". Oh but you know what? I would buy me some of "Kivana" shoes. Yes I would. But to be honest you know what, I have a --- I have a pretty bad "Uggs". [lift left foot to the table]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey, hey! You know what? At least I'm honest. When I have problems, I'm not like Hillary "Hussein" Clinton. You know what? If I --- If I had pneumonia like her, I were best friends with the creditor of "Robamacare", oh you better believe I would go deal with pneumonia. Oh, yeah!

Michael Che: I understood like first three of those words. So is there anything that the candidates could do to get your vote? 

Cathy Anne: Yeah! They could show me they know how to have a good time! You gotta trust nobody that don't know how to have a good time.

Michael Che: So you think their problem is they're not having fun?

Cathy Anne: Hillary Clinton is never having any damn fun. Are you kidding me? I mean, did you see her at the convention? Come on. What the hell kind of nerd life do you have to live when you're seventy years old and you are that excited to see a balloon and you're not a junkie? I mean [imitates Hillary Clinton excitement] I mean, do you remember?

Michael Che: I do remember --- I do --- I do remember but what about Donald Trump? He seems like he's always having a good time.

Cathy Anne: No, no. Donald Trump says he's having a good time. Yeah, he said it all the damn time. But you know what? But if he ain't hanging out, with no Mexicans, and no blacks, and no gays, and no women, then he ain't having any fun. And you [points to Michael Che] know that's the truth.

Michael Che: Yeah. We had fun too.

Cathy Anne: You know what? You know a bunch of people in the room that looks like him, that ain't no party, that's my parole hearing. That's it. They did not think I had changed.

Michael Che:  Wait. You're a felon? You can't even vote!

Cathy Anne: No, well, I am a fugitive type situation and my innocence will be prevailed in the end. I'll show you.

Michael Che: I'll look forward to that. Cathy Anne, everybody.

Cathy Anne: Thank you for saving it. Go Robama! Robama!

Colin Jost: Many black athletes have come under fire for following Colin Ernick's lead in kneeling during the national anthem.

Michael Che: Yeah, I don't understand this.

Colin Jost: Why?

Michael Che: The national anthem was so important, how did they know somebody was kneeling? How'd they even notice? That's how boring the national anthem is! Halfway through and you're looking around the stadium like, "I wonder what the backup quarterback for the 49ers is up to.

Colin Jost: I --- I love the national anthem, you know?

Michael Che: Of course, you do.

Colin Jost: All I'm saying is I like it cause it's the only song I can dance to. It has this choreography that white people can handle, you know? It's just [place right hand on left chess over and over]. Just like step one of the "Macarena". 

Michael Che: [to Colin Jost] How are you single? It's mostly --- it's mostly white guys that are upset, you know? And I can understand why white guys love the national anthem so much because this country is always being great for white guys. You absolutely should defend the national anthem. If I was white, I'd always defend the national anthem. I expect white guys to defend the national anthem like I expected Phylicia Rashad to defend Bill Cosby. I'm --- I'm sure when people were protesting "the Cosby Show", Claire Huxtable was like, "I don't know what he did to y'all but he made me rich".  And I'm sure it's an inconvenient time to bring up such a --- heavy issue during the football game but it's a protest. It's supposed to be inconvenient. That's the whole point of a protest. It's just like if you at home and your girl's mad at you and you just want to unwind and watch the game and she walks right in front of the TV and stand there and go, "We need to talk". And you're like, "Now's the game's on". And she goes, "Honey, you shot another kid!". That's what the Kaepernick's doing. Besides, listen, Kaepernick is not the only one trying to raise awareness during the football game for a sad cause. They're turning uniforms pink for Breast Cancer tomorrow and nobody's upset about that. I bet if the police went around shooting unarmed boobies, everybody will take a knee. [laughter] [to Colin Jost] Thoughts?

Colin Jost: (laughing) I think you just said unarmed boobies. 

Michael Che: Well. Yeah.

Colin Jost: On the lighter side of this, now once again, "Weekend Update" presents, ---

Michael Che: "TheWeeknd Update".

Announcer: "TheWeeknd Update".

[cut to TheWeeknd]

TheWeeknd: I got a haircut. 

Announcer: This is "TheWeeknd Update".

Colin Jost: The National Museum of African-American History opened on The Washington Mall this week and it gives a detailed account of black history in the U.S. Or for a different version of black history, give my grandpa Scotch. [sigh]

Michael Che: Oh now you're on my side?

Colin Jost: (laughing) A man in Australia has been bitten by a venomous spider on his penis for the second time in five months. "Fool me once", said the guy who sucked out the poison. [cheers and applause]. Well this week, Red Sox Slugger, David Ortiz played his final series against the New York Yankees. Here to talk about it is Big Papi himself, David Ortiz!

David Ortiz: Yo, yo, yo, yo. Ey! Eyo! Big buzza corn digo eljos! 

Colin Jost: Hey, you know, maso menos jo stay?

David Ortiz: Shut up! Man,we already got to deal with Tim Kane, man. 

Colin Jost: That's fair. That's fair. Now Big Papi, what do you think you'll miss most about playing at Yankees stadium?

David Ortiz: You know, after all of this years, if I had to pick one thing, I probably say --- lunch. 

Colin Jost: You --- you miss lunch?

David Ortiz: Yeah, yeah, that's right man. Big stadium got a big lunch. You ever eat at a Yankee Stadium, Jost? Man, they got a mofongo, berchuka frita, sopa de spaghetti y norchata con jamon. It's like a sweet milky ham drink. Yeah, man. 

Colin Jost: Delicious. Yeah. Now, I heard the Yankees also gave you kind of a farewell present.

David Ortiz: Oh, that's right, man. Mario Evera gave me a tiny box. I opened it up, --- big lunch. [laughter]. Inside there was mofongo, arroz con vegetale, chica on de beef steak, (laughing) iwasa kakoke casa frito. And then instead of playing baseball, everybody take a big nap. Yeah, the fans were no happy.

Colin Jost: No, no.

David Ortiz: No. 

Colin Jost: And --- and do you know what you're going to do at the end of the season?

David Ortiz: Oh yeah, bro! I endorse-ments.

Colin Jost: Like --- like you do endorsements?

David Ortiz: No no no no. I endorse mints. [shows a pop up mints] "Mints"! You want your breath to be acceptable for fifteen minutes? Reach for "Mints". It's like brushing your teeth, but with sugar. Five out of five of dentists said, "Oh-oh". With "Mints"! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Colin Jost: So that is like a general ad for mints?

David Ortiz: Oh, I guess so. But, I do specific brands, too. 

Colin Jost: Yeah, okay.

David Ortiz: Yeah. Do you like "Pepsi"? But you hate how sanitary it is? Then reach for "Hepsi"! [shows up Hepsi logo] It's the only soda pop that's also a liquid STD. So, when people ask, "You got Hep?", you can tell them, "Si". With "Hepsi". Yeah. And you know? I got a new transportation app too, man.

Colin Jost: A transportation app?

David Ortiz: That's right! It's called "Lift". [shows pop up Lift logo] You need to go somewhere? Lift your ass off the couch and walk man! Cause I'm not driving you.

Colin Jost: That's --- that's an app?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro! Boy, I know what you're thinking. "What if I can't get an erection?". Yeah? Yeah? 

Colin Jost: No. No. I --- I was not thinking that. No, no.

David Ortiz: Then you should try "See Alice".

Colin Jost: "See Alice"?

David Ortiz: Do you need a little extra fat on your butt? Go see Alice. [shows pop up of See Alice logo] Yeah, it's a girl named Alice and she really pretty and if she can't get you an erection, I think it's broke, bro! 

Colin Jost: Big Papi, everyone!

David Ortiz: [speaking Spanish]

Michael Che: For "Weekend Update", I'm Michael Che -

Colin Jost: I'm Colin Jost. Good night!

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All credits go to SNL and NBC